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...this is my life, this is my fucking life...
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in dai hoshiko's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, June 1st, 2006
June 1st, 2006
it can't rain all the time.
seriously.
okay fine. i fucked up.
drivers test = next week
boyfriend = whatever
some guy who won't treat me like crap will come around eventually. but to all the fuckers that hurt me i believe that i need to thank you for making me stronger. you have no idea how i wish that we could still be friends, and whatever else bullshit line you fed me when i was hooked to your iv feeding off of all the lines you told me.


i know i can't live forever
i know ill see you around.

its a shame i miss you.
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and i could bother myself and put your face on my page again, but it will just make me realize how much those few months were actually something not random time spent.
seriously.


my life is pretty much shit right now. but every step i take im only gettig closer to getting out of here. its sad that i needed you to lean on, and now your not there and im falling...
pretty fucking fast.


i need a cute chubby boy who can like me for me.
and not tell me im a fuck buddy.
<3

Current Mood: discontent
June 1st, 2006
i suck
i failed my drivers test.
and im pretty much a fucking loser.
Monday, May 29th, 2006
May 29th, 2006
heart broken.
my boyfriend broke up with me.
i don't know much about it besides the online conversation that we had, and that he was uncomfortable and moving too fast. whatever that means. im not going to lie and say i don't care, becuase i do. he was a great guy. who i seriously thought understood me for me, and loved me for me. which was apparent - but i guess there is something else that wasn't so easy to see. i wish that it didn't happen, but maybe it is for the best. as hard as it is to say that. i thought i loved him - but it seems like it was more of a trust and development thing that made me feel attached and "love" him. he is a great guy - and i hope that he can still be in my life. even though he hasn't called me in days, and he "wants to be friends". i hope that he really wants to be, becuase i would enjoy the company. beucase he is truly a great person. for the few months that we were together i seriously loved every second of it --- i was actually happy. im still happy - but im upset at the fact that i had to have done something wrong, and i lost myself to someone else.

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he did some of the sweetest things for me that no one has ever done for me before. and for once in my life i actually felt alive. i thank him for that greatly - and i seriously hope that he will stay in my life. more so then a boyfriend - but a friend. he was great to talk to, and he always made me laugh.

Current Mood: blank
Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
May 24th, 2006
bi-section...
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happy bi-section day.
lmao
jess harin is my hero.
especially when she asks me what peirod we are "bisecting" cats.
hahahaha

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Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
May 23rd, 2006
internet shopping
is a must.


i need a job. and a credit card.
and i really need to go get my license. seriously. i was sopposed to get it yesterday if i didn't fuck up so badly during the weekened. what an idiot. but im hopefully going to call the DMV and be able to go this week. especially before the weekend. so i don't have to sit here in bordeum without my myspace, and especially with my rapping. haha its absolutely ridiculous how i sit here and rap about lil kim and nonsense. hahahah
i actually think im going insane.


http://www.torrid.com/cart/showCart.asp?order_num=1018984621&TIA=1&retloc=%2Fstore%2Fproduct%2Easp&retarg=ITEM%3D542551%26RN%3D244&LS=0&ITEM=542551&RN=244&RN=244

go buy me that <3


oh and while your @ it buy me this stuff too <3

http://www.fredflare.com/customer/cart.php


yeah i like purses. get off me


i redid my hair last nigh twhich is good <3 beucase now my weave isnt falling out. hahahahhaha. and i also just remembered how i cant take my tahoe to the driving test :-( becuae there isn't an emergency brake in the middle. which is depressng becuase i know how to drive that car the best. which is annoying, but it's all good. i will find someone with a car that i can use for the test. hopefully i can use my grandfathers, because that car is awesome. and most likely the closest to my tahoeeee.


i miss my boyfriend.
and i miss my friends
ya' mean.

im going to keep a photojournal on here, so watch out niggz. it will be pretty intenseeee.
Monday, May 22nd, 2006
May 22nd, 2006
i think i thought i saw you cry...




on·cus·sion Audio pronunciation of "concussion" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (kn-kshn)
n.

1. A violent jarring; a shock. See Synonyms at collision.
2. An injury to an organ, especially the brain, produced by a violent blow and followed by a temporary or prolonged loss of function.
May 22nd, 2006
its a shame it had to come down to this...
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and now my once beautiful flawless face, is damaged by memories so unknown. i have a severe concussion that tells a tale of emotion and disturbance. now it is ending with utmost uncertanty and the will that nothing is apparent and ovbious anymore. my myspace has been deleted due to the frustrations and misconceptions that it brings. fuckers. im actually excited to know that stupid people will not be able to stalk me anymore, let alone make my life a living hell. its gone. its deleted. im not saying it won't be back but what a fucking website has done to our lives. yes it helped gain me many people in my life who i love and adore,but without it there would be a few more innocent people in the world. victims of obsenity and the rules of absense. pictures are a way to be admired? i don't understand, it has made me vain, and actually adore taking pictures of myself. what is wrong with that. it is a way to document my downfall and let the thousands of "friends" to watch it all happen.



Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get afraid what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now.

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what God needs
One more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
And nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog beggin' for love
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start
My own religion

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
And nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Please be
Save me
I cry

Looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Where are those angels
When you need them

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
And nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Why do we ...
... chains ...
Crucify ourselves
Everyday

Never going back again
Crucify myself again
You know
Never going back again to
Crucify myself
Everyday



she is my new god.
seriosuly.
everything she says can directly relate to me. and i seriously need to make her realize that her stupid words just like min ebeing pressed down my her vocal chords is slowly changing my life and maknig me realize that im a bueatiful girl that is too good for everyone's bullshit.

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he is my life.
the left is my feelings.
the middle is my heart.
the rigt is me.


feel me?
want me?
be me?
hurt me?



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i love him.
and no one can take him away from me.
no one.
i dont care if you like me.
get over it.
i dont care if you want to screw me.
get over yoruself.
i dont care if you will drive two horus to see me.
get over the drive, becuase thats not the way to get into my heart.
Wednesday, April 5th, 2006
April 5th, 2006
i called her on the phone and she touched herselff
i don't know what i want...
but i do know that i want him back in my life like you woulden't
FUCKING
believe.


Current Mood: apathetic
Saturday, March 11th, 2006
March 11th, 2006
its kinda pitiful how badly i want to document my downfall. how bad i want to stand up and tell off all the little mother fuckers who decided to do me wrong. the immense buildup is driving me insane. literally. to the point where im on medication, contemplating allowing myself to consume more, and most of all im really thinking about leaving. leaving this life. leaving this town. and worst of all leaving myself. its amazing how i think that these people can control me. sometimes i feel as if people are actually standing over me with strings, or even controlling me with a remote. the clicker clacker of people's presense is slowly making me more paranoid with the second.



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and worst of all being that this purse, this phone, this package of hair that i so truthfully glue to my head, and the scissors --- describe my life. my belongings, my outlet, my security, and something sharp that i can puncture air holes when im being suffocated by the utmost idiots of society.



the only thing that makes me happy - the only human right now in my life who is remotly understanding, and can wake up and look at me when i have no makeup, ugly hair, and bad breath - and say your fucking beautiful.


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and the part about this all is that he doesn't want anything from me in return. nothing. and he cares so much about me. is this normal?
what is normal...
nor·mal Audio pronunciation of "normal" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (nôrml)
adj.

1. Conforming with, adhering to, or constituting a norm, standard, pattern, level, or type; typical: normal room temperature; one's normal weight; normal diplomatic relations.
2. Biology. Functioning or occurring in a natural way; lacking observable abnormalities or deficiencies.
3. Abbr. n or N Chemistry.
1. Designating a solution having one gram equivalent weight of solute per liter of solution.
2. Designating an aliphatic hydrocarbon having a straight and unbranched chain of carbon atoms.
4. Mathematics.
1. Being at right angles; perpendicular.
2. Perpendicular to the direction of a tangent line to a curve or a tangent plane to a surface.
5.
1. Relating to or characterized by average intelligence or development.
2. Free from mental illness; sane.


n.

1. Something normal; the standard: scored close to the normal.
2. The usual or expected state, form, amount, or degree.
3.
1. Correspondence to a norm.
2. An average.
4. Mathematics. A perpendicular, especially a perpendicular to a line tangent to a plane curve or to a plane tangent to a space curve.


is that fucking normal?
is there a normal?

i know that im normal. whether you materialistic bastards want to believe in it or not. mwuahz. smile. giggle kiss. flip off. <3
Sunday, February 26th, 2006
February 26th, 2006
dan is a waste of sperm
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i hate him. <3 yay!
Monday, November 7th, 2005
November 7th, 2005
the sky isn't as blue
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v453/daihoshiko/tragedy2.jpg

think of yesterday. i looked at the stars and dreamed id go to that place. these last few weeks have been extremely rough, so here i go. i want to show them how to accept the pain and always forget. watch the sun go down and watch the sound go dead. i want to feel the pain of nothing. i want to accomplish the worst. i want to feel what i haven't felt before. i want to show everyone i can do what i want to do without having someone hold my hand. i feel trapped. i feel like im loosing everyone slowly and i really don't like it. i want to do something terrible, but i can't. i dont want your attension, i dont want your sympathy, all i want is for you to understand. i want you to get off your cloud for one second and sit and listen to what i have to say without making it seem like im being dramatic and stupid. i want to wake up and be happy without taking the pill that screams ill do it for you. i want to be able to have fun and wear what i want, without people looking at me like i have three heads, i want my friends to udnerstand where i am coming from without me having to explain my family history and make them understand what a bad day feelss like, i want to live the complex life i live. but i want more. i want a job, a want a boy, i want a family who can go out together, i want friends who love me for who i am, i want the friends i have now to realize that stupid things hurt me, i want to grow some confidence, i want to be there for everyone more so than i already am, i want everyone to be happy. i want to work with people, i want to show everyone what i can accomplish, and most of all i want to be who i am and express the way i feel without people thinking im seeking for attenion. hear me out. this is a journal. you don't have to sit here reading this. but you do. is that my problem? or your priority. think about it. i love you.

Current Mood: ridiculous. sad.
Wednesday, September 7th, 2005
September 7th, 2005
this is wamps. not my girl
got black hair,work at the pop shop, i have my lip pierced i go to school im 6'4 have green eyes im lonely, an would like to cuddle with someone....i would also like to have a nice girlfriend who would like to go places an do things, not just wanna sit around an do nothing, makes sense right?
anyway i am told by other people that i am a kind, well-respected guy who cares more for others then myself( way to go Dan) anyway i am just postin this caues i have no one an would like to meet someone so if your interested leave a message aight other wise do whatever



wow. i dont even know what to say. my life has gone from terrible to worst it could possibly be. he want to go places with a girl and actually do stuff rather than sitting around like i do with him everyday. i fucking hate my life right now. i have a disfunctional family that barely holding on to great memorie that we could actually do together becuase of the 18 year old nonsence and the fucked up 16 year old, the spastic 11 year old, the ocd 7 yeaar old, and two parents who give us their world everyday of their lives. i try and do things that i wish i could do and i just fall. i want things to work out --- but i don't want to be forgotton. no drastic messures. no fucking life. no fucking solution to fucking ponder upon. becuae the sad fucked up part is is that i love this kid. more than myself. i cant function without him, and i honestly can tell you that all he thinks of me is some fucking time filler that he can walk all over. its working pretty good, and i wish i could be that tiny little girl that could be his. but instead im some ugly thing --- i think im fucking beautiful but no one else does. i love myself. i love my body. i shoulden't but i do. i mean i would change it if i wanted too. the only reason i wnat to change myself right now is for him. him. him. hhim. i fuckking hate him right now. becuase its gone to loving so much that its slowly generating hatred for all the bitches that aren't lucky enough to have hiim. i could give him my world. more than i already do and he could be that extra houlder i can lean on bbut it fucking stupid.
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"THIS IS WAMPS. NOT MY FUCKING GIRL."


i would kill for this.
jut a little bit.
just a little bit.
i would. i would.
sing me something soft
sad and delicate
lod and out of key.
sing me anything
Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
August 30th, 2005
boo you whoree.
dai hoshiko (12:18:14 AM): but like honestly... its one of those things were i want to be with him --- but he thinks im ugly and whatever. haha so hes stupid. and ha fun with me and stuff flirts that whole thing but hes stupid. haha and gets mad when im with guys... haha so its confusing
ballplayerbla (12:18:50 AM): lol that sux
dai hoshiko (12:19:09 AM): yeah. it really sucks.
ballplayerbla (12:19:21 AM): so wat u doin this weekend
dai hoshiko (12:19:28 AM): mm nothing really
ballplayerbla (12:19:42 AM): wanna chill;-)
dai hoshiko (12:19:49 AM): mm maybee
ballplayerbla (12:20:06 AM): ill pay for the hotel
ballplayerbla (12:20:07 AM): lol
dai hoshiko (12:20:18 AM): haha my god! lmao
dai hoshiko (12:20:23 AM): swearrr im a whore. haha
ballplayerbla (12:20:46 AM): if u get wat u want that dosnt make u a hoe




wow. guys should um...
kill themselves?
Monday, August 29th, 2005
August 29th, 2005
stan.
i hate you.
becuase i love you so much?
<3

and you read my journal?
fuckin wanker :-P
Monday, July 25th, 2005
July 25th, 2005
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i miss ma baybaaa.

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almost as much as i miss this furby hair. haha <3
July 25th, 2005
your heart is big enough for two...
and thats how it goes. your amazing --- but so fucking stubborn. i hate you so much, but i lvoe you even fuckig more. at least the whole breakfast club will only take up a small portion of the artery, and i will be in the other part. brother. haha oh man.

anyway.
im finally going to see that fuckin' rob zombie movie, it came out last friday and i swore i would see it the day it came out. instead i found myself sittig in kaits sex smelling room with dans head on my legs hovered round kaits laptop watching the ugliest movie i have ever seen. legend. haha caligula. has to be one of the weirdest movies i have ever seen, but its okay. becuase i can say i saw it. with dus my brother and sister. haha i love those kids. i miss art and torti. they are down the shore. i miss all my firends really. every one of them. but its okay. beucase im good. i want to go back to school i think. and hang out with all the assholes that i hated all year. haha but its all good. maybe i will dus find new people? and maybe dus a boy? excellent. my plans with someone else hit a speed bump and knocked the wheels off for a little bit, but it's not lasting long, and hopefully shit will pick it up again like ugly ska kids. <3

yay movies.
i'll be back in a little bit <3
taking pictures of the claw. then i'll post them <3
Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
July 20th, 2005
you fucking peice of shit
people come and go. and i don't mind a change. but this one really fucking hurt me. i wasn't good enough, wasn't hot enough, wasn't up to standards. excellent. well i have some news for you babe <3 fuck you. there is more to live then getting your dick licked, and most of all throwing out your real friends for the superficial model who wants to fuck you and leave. but its okay mister. you will know what your missing when you realize you have no one to talk to anymore, no one to fucking hang out with anymore, and your going to loose people that really fucking look up to you for differenty things, and look to you for making them laugh, making me laugh, making me happy, making me smile, making you smile. i looked behind so much of your shit, so much of your fucking baggage, and in four months you feel like family? yeah its fucked up. but im not the 110 pound gorgous model your looking for. im sorry. but i know your fucking going to miss out, becuase im better than you. im better than that. im better than most of this fucking town and their small problems. im tired of getting my heart ripped out and stepped on becuase im not good enough. well listen here. i am fucking good enough for myself. fuck you. i don't care what you think. im myslef. like me for who i am or get the fuck out, becuase your rents up, and your spot in my heart has gone vacant. bye babe <3
Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
May 17th, 2005
holy shit. hanlan on the road.
who the fuck gave that kid a permit.
end of sentance.
Saturday, May 14th, 2005
May 14th, 2005
my heart is big enough for two...
i look like shit.
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i feel like shit.
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laugh at me for talking.
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ill walk away from your fucking bullshit.
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cross my heart, hope to die
i swear i won't say what happened that night
so starting today things are gonna be all right
your best you tried, and yeah you did fine
no better than fine, perfect in my mind
in fact, i wish your heart was mine
and i can hear the memory in my ears
back to the years and all those tears
but hear me when i say im glad we steered that way
because now we're here

do you want to get away? get in the car we can leave today
do you want to celebrate our just made little holiday?
cus now today is your day
all that stuff you used to take
im glad you threw all that away cause now you look so great
you never need to be afraid just know you went the right way

because even though we never get things right
and it gets so old just saying we'll keep trying
its mine to decide when ill be alright

i know you're going crazy (crazy)
but happy is all that you make me (all you make me)
and now things are gonna get better baby
i know everything went wrong OK (OK)
but now its time to get some better days (some better days)
cus i don't want to keep acting this way

cus man i know we never get things right
and it gets so old just saying we'll keep trying
but its mine to decide when and if ill be alright..
and thats just a thing that take time

so keep going till you know when its time, when its right
keep showing yourself in that light
cus back in school man that gets cruel
but one thing is true is that man now look at you
your heart is big enough for two

because i can hear the memories in my ears
back to the years and all those tears
but hear me when i say im glad because we're here

i know you're going crazy (crazy)
but happy is all that you make me (you make me)
and now things are gonna get better baby
i know everything went wrong OK (OK)
but now its time to get some better days (better days)
cus i don't want to keep acting this way

cus man i know we never get things right
and it gets so old just saying we'll keep trying
but its mine to decide when and if ill be alright..
and thats just a thing that take time


this song is amazing. words. sound. instramentals. vocals. amazing. <3 today was a good day. besides for the crying and yelling in the morning, abandanment in the afternoon, more fighting and yelling, confrontations, lying. wow. my life. i don't know what the fuck to do with myself anymore. i feel like im going to crack from my head down to my feet. im done. im sad. i need someone to talk to. i need a boy that won't fuck around. i need someone to talk to now. i need a plane ticket to texas. i need a lover. not a hater, liar, cheater... i need the importance of need. i need to understand the power in hate. hate is almost misused as much as love. fuck me. im a "whore." and a "peice of trash."


I FUCKING LOVE YOU FRIENDDDDDDDDDDD. motha fucker. go fuck yourself.
thanks.


Current Mood: yeah fuck you.
Sunday, May 8th, 2005
May 8th, 2005
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today. i pretty much have been a lazy asshole. haha --- first of all. it was mother's day -- okay okay. my family was running around - particullary my dad becuase he was making dinner blah blah blah for my mom and his mom. what fun. the kids were annoying as all hell - usual - and alyssa wasn't feeling good. i slept all morning, didn't get a phone call that i hoped i would, and then walked around the house a couple times, and went back to bed. i coulden't stop thinking about one of my friends. everything i did. blah blah blah my names allie and im a pain in the ass.

this weekend was a lot of fun. friday i hung out with my lovers <3 deana, zak lee, sam. then scott came. bah. haha i don't really care about the kid --- but he is the biggest waste of air that i have ever met. haha <3 but besides that -- friday was fun. we went to the moorestown mall, saw some peopel we knew, hung outside the mall while we ran into some of the biggest assholes i have ever seen -- they were amaizng. haha some kid who kept screaming "someone sexy light my ciggerette" after he burst out of the doors screaming "fuck" becuase he gauged his ear from a twenty to a fourteen. what the fuck is wrong with society. haha i went from a twenty to a ten beofre. no biggie. anyway --- he had more black makeup around his eyes then i have applied in my whole fucking life. haha it was amazing. he was the funniest kid i have ever seen. we saw another kid who was like 7'0 and he had the biggget pants on --- aka ufo's ten sizes too big --- and he was running and fell. we laughed. then looked at the remander of weird goth kids around us. good times. we decided not to stay at that mall becuase the goth kids were making our stomachs hurt from laughing at them - so we went to lowes movie theater. fun times. we saw house of wax --- and i saw my mary <3 i miss her so much. ever since the whole fight bah family bah hatred deal --- i miss my mary. she is the best fucking 25 year old alive. shes amazing. so the movie was pretty good -- i went home at like 11:00, went out with tori and dan --- ran into some people <3 went back to her house, and sat in the stanza for two hours. sleepover madness.

saturday we woke up... really early --- aka 12:30... and went to mcdonalds... saved other dan from woodlyn haircut gun man's holdup --- heard some ridiculous story about how the huge "paintball wound" got on his neck, went to the studio - moved some furniture, and took showers. haha i was home alone for a little bit in there dancing around in my underwear taking pictures... : Image hosted by Photobucket.com
and then other dan called and said he was coiming to pick me up to go to a movie. woot. it had to have been the worst movie i have ever seen... haha but it was all worth it when i was with my friends. they make me laugh. greatest people alive. the movie eneded late... then we drove around --- got stuck under seats, sneezed on each other, tried to be silent, called me kate........... realized that i was "better looking" than kate... then watched dan get "dicked". hahaha lmao. i fucking love the stanza and the good times. if i didn't have them as friends i would be so blah. lol they are amazing.

i figured i would write some long ass entry to catch up with my life. haha there you go. thats all nigga's.
playa please.


swear i can't stop thinking about you.
come over.
and play.

Current Mood: im not horny. sorry kids. haha
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